Tag: guilt

Dresses on a clothesline - Moms can get it all done with a little guilt-free help :)

A happier way to “get it all done.”

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I joined a couple of online mom groups last month. Through other mom posts, I realized how common it is to feel like it’s a personal failing if we can’t get it all done. Today I explore that idea – I consider why we shouldn’t feel that way. Second, I explore how to release that sense of guilt around getting help. (P.s. if you’re on a budget, we’re in the same boat and I’ve got you covered!). 

Why you shouldn’t feel guilty if you can’t “get it all done”

Congratulations, mama bear! A fabulous, holy, heart-filling, hugely time-intensive human being has landed in your life. For the perhaps the first time ever, you can take a big breath and revel in the fact that you get to move through your days without the “perfection” mindset that you maybe used to have. After all, something done is better than nothing done. You have every reason not to be hard on yourself for an unfinished to-do list. 

An article in Verywell Family points to data that moms with toddlers can be interrupted 210 times a day to attend their toddler’s needs. According to researcher Gloria Mark, who studies digitial distraction at the University of California, Irvine, it takes just over 23 minutes to regain your focus after a distraction. However, unlike the workplace, attending to a child can lead all over the place and easily go beyond 23 minutes.

No wonder moms struggle to do it all! You are losing time and focus because a child needs you. There is no shame in that. In the end, I hope this knowledge gives you some peace and a reason to be easier on yourself. No one can “get it all done” in a home full of interruptions. 

A new way to “get it all done”

If I have convinced you that you don’t need to carry the load of“getting it all done” on your own personal power, allow me to convince you of one more thing: that there are areas in your life where you can and should consider calling in help. 

Elizabeth Dunn, author of Happy Money, introduced me to this idea of intentionally buying time. She finds that people who spend money to buy themselves time or experiences are often happier than those who spend money on things. If you’re a parent, odds are that buying yourself time is what will allow you to have space for fulfilling experiences. 

Fortunately, even budget-strapped people can find ways to creatively buy time. Consider: regardless if what the going rate is, there are probably neighborhood kids who would babysit, mow the lawn, or weed the garden at a price that works for both of you. There are of course professional companies that can also come in and do yard, cooking, or housework, for a higher price and expert service. And if you really want to get creative, perhaps you could barter with a friendly neighbor: one hour with your kids gets them a jar of your blueberry kombucha. You get the idea…there are ways to buy yourself time on any budget. 

As a child, my husband’s family lived off one salary; his dad was in the early years of building a name for himself as a Milwaukee historian, and his mom stayed home with the kids. You can imagine how tight their finances must have been, and how his mom probably needed more breaks than she was getting. Cash strapped as they were, they managed to hire house cleaners once or twice a month. It gave his mom a little less to do, and helped keep the peace in their home. 

How to Not feel Guilty about buying time

When it comes down to it, buying time takes intention. First, you have to decide that the status quo in your house has to go: it’s time to buy time. Second, choose to feel good about this choice. This is a case where money (or maybe a little creative bartering) really can buy happiness. 

In a great article called “Why You Feel Guilty When You Spend Money and How to Stop,” Dani Pascarella writes, “A big reason why people feel guilty about spending money is they fear that it could be going towards something better or more important.” She says the solution to this problem is creating a budget where some of your money is set aside to spend on whatever the heck you want. This is guilt-free spending with your happy self waiting on the other side, so get on it! 

When it comes down to it, just about everything you do at home could be outsourced in some way. So consider what you like doing least – maybe that’s a good place to start buying time. Or consider the tasks you don’t mind, but do most often… that could be a great place to bring in help and free some time.

You are incredible

I’m not sure how any of us comes to the conclusion that we have to do it all, and do it alone. But if you find yourself in that boat, take a step back and congratulate yourself for all you’ve done. You are incredible. Then, take a moment to acknowledge that your heart and happiness are worth letting some of that stress and responsibility go. Start looking forward to that breathing room you’re about to buy. 

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I’m curious – which household activity are you most excited to hand off in some way? Write it down here in the comments! Your comment is a commitment to making this change, and it may just inspire another mom to do the same for herself. May our lovin’ energy inspire and cheer each other on. Go mama!

Woman gazing at a meadow - free from mom guilt

How to free yourself from mom guilt

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Mom guilt…it doesn’t matter how short or long you’ve been a mom, we all know the phrase. We all know the feeling. And it’s alarming how often it creeps in. There seem to be endless opportunities to feel guilty over moments where there is no actual breach of trust or ethics or boundaries. It’s a real thing, this strange, uncomfortable emotion that rears its head over so many choices we make. Today, let’s set some new music to dance to, because guilt has no place in a happy heart and home. Loving, brave woman that you are – guilt deserves no place in you. It’s time to free yourself from mom guilt.

First: The Bigger Picture

In a post that’s mostly a rant, but a well-articulated one at that, Momsanity blogger Dawn Yanek runs down a whole range of things moms feel guilty about. Then, she lands on this – which I didn’t expect: “We call it mom guilt, and that’s cute. It’s not. It’s woman guilt. And it’s so culturally ingrained in us, we don’t even know it’s happening until it’s crushing us and we can’t breathe – and then we’re apologizing because we can’t breathe.” 

The bolded lettering is mine for emphasis. I know that I (and most women) go around feeling apologetic about tons of things. Often, I wonder how to hold space for myself without feeling bad about it or the need to apologize. I wonder how to stop feeling like I’m responsible for the feelings of others. It’s an ongoing process. Dawn’s article made me realize that mom guilt is sort of like holding a picture frame over a panoramic view – the phrase “mom guilt” turns the broader idea of guilt into a bite sized nugget, easy to shove aside and ignore. But it doesn’t go away, does it.

Will you join me in looking now at the big picture and how to heal from it? We had mom guilt long before we ever became moms. Guilt is part of our psyche, and healing from it is hugely important. It matters for our own mental health. It matters because releasing our own guilt will give other women permission to do the same. Most importantly, our daughters will learn how to be women moving unapologetically in the world by watching us. That is a vision with power. I will do anything for my daughter. I’m all in. 

How to Free Yourself from Mom Guilt

Psychologist Nick Wignall has this fabulous article about how he helps clients who suffer from what he calls Fake Guilt (we call it Mom Guilt). He says it’s a surprisingly common but rarely diagnosed condition wherein we end up making decisions based on incomplete evidence, even though we have done nothing wrong. His hypothesis is that fake guilt comes from a fear of sadness, helplessness, and/or a lack of control. In other words, guilt is a mask for deeper emotions that are scary to face.

Facing those deeper emotions and allowing them to be is the ticket to our freedom. Wignall also suggests scheduling sessions to sit with those uncomfortable feelings (yes, actually schedule it so that you gently face them. In doing so, they become less scary). He says we should think about those hard emotions like helplessness or sadness as normal, and not something to be hard on yourself about or to avoid. He also has this awesome concept called functional analysis, which means that you actually analyze the guilt and how it is serving you in the moment that it’s happening. By being curious about your guilt instead of judgmental toward it and yourself, you allow movement. 

Mindfulness techniques are another powerful way to help return a mind from guilty thoughts to the beauty of the present moment. Sarah Rudell Beach of Left Brain Buddha is someone I recently came across who has wonderful resources on the topic. A mom herself, she offers kindness and a sense of humor when it comes to mindfulness practices. 

Mom Guilt During the Holidays

It’s no coincidence that I am writing about guilt as we head into the holidays. Family time, gifts, expectations… this special time of year offers a ton of opportunity to feel guilty about things both small and large. Fortunately, this also means that the holidays hold a ton of opportunity to love yourself, just as you are. 

Bright spirit, I wish for you a sense of presence in your life. I wish for you space to notice your guilt and gently allow it to reveal and heal the raw emotions happening beneath. It’s time to free yourself from mom guilt. You are a light in this world, and every single person you have met is better for knowing you. You are enough. 

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Thank you for being part of this go mama community! It’s an honor to share this motherhood journey with you. If today’s article spoke to you in some way, please share it on Facebook or whichever social media landscape you hang out on. May our loving energy inspire and lift each other up! Go mama!