Tag: joy

Fence in a pretty field to symbolize boundaries

How to honor your needs with better boundaries

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There’s this saying that physical health conditions are our bodies sending a message about an underlying emotional health issue. I had to sit with that one for a long time. I have a leaky gut – and I spent at least two years pondering…what’s the message there? Until one day, a magical, transformative book showed up in my life and it hit me: boundaries. Leaky guts literally have compromised boundaries in the intestinal walls, and food particles cross into the blood stream causing anxiety, mental fog, and other discomforts. And just as leaky guts can heal, so too can weak boundaries be redefined. Stick with me for a few minutes, and I will share some starting points for how to honor your needs with better boundaries. Deep work is required here, and your joy is worth it. 

A Dynamite Book about Boundaries

One of the resources this journey led me to is a book called Boundary Boss, by psychotherapist Terri Cole. The book is written for women who struggle to say no, who feel like they should be doing more in all areas of their life, who struggle asking for help, and who are overinvested in the decisions and feelings of people they love. In short, she wrote it for women who struggle to identify and honor their own personal boundaries. I’m raising my hand – I needed her wisdom. 

I won’t attempt to unhash all of her guidance in a blog post – you need to grab yourself this book (and no, I’m not an affiliate!). That said, boundaries is a topic that anyone struggling with anxiety and depression may need to consider for themselves. So let’s start with something accessible: the rhythms that you and your family follow on a daily and weekly basis. 

A Journal Exercise on Boundaries

Tell me, if you could wave a magic wand, would your routine look the way it does? Take out a journal and spend a few minutes really reflecting on this idea. It’s just you and the page here, so you can be really, lovingly honest with yourself. 

  • What areas in your daily or weekly routine leave you feeling drained?
  • Which activities leave you feeling resentful? 
  • What voices call at you that you wish you could silence or put on the back burner? 
  • Are there relationships that leave you feeling unworthy, taken for granted, disrespected, or uncared for? 

If you were able to fill in detailed answers for any of these questions, then congratulations – you have started your roadmap to a more fulfilling life. You are beginning to understand how to honor your needs with better boundaries. 

Now go back and for each of those answers, write down some possibilities for how you would like to alter the scenarios. Maybe you drop some activities so that you can end up going to sleep earlier. Perhaps you hire a mama-helper a little bit during the weekends so you have some dedicated space to take care of whatever you need. Maybe you say no to the friend date that always stresses you out, or you start making date nights with your sweetie finally happen.

The big point here is that you are the pilot of your life. Once you clearly identify which boundaries are being crossed, you can begin to respond in a way that honors your deep needs. 

Make Changes, but Be Easy About It

The challenges you face are built into your beautiful life, whether by design or happenstance. And you, dear one, are uniquely in control of how they shift and alter. Just don’t feel like you need to take on that whole list you journaled in one fell swoop. Be easy about it. Be gentle with yourself and those you love. Learning how to honor your needs with better boundaries is hugely transformational, and those around you will need a little space to adjust to your new groove.

Grain by grain, you will move your mountain, and discover the joy that was living inside you the entire time. 

With so much love, your joy midwife, 

Ashley

women meditating with a mountain view

Start your meditation journey with this secret sauce

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Peace and joy. What lovely words, what lovely things to experience. Yet, those feelings can be fleeting at best for mothers juggling all the things. The good news is that peace and joy live in the present moment and they can be reached in the midst of these chaotic days. Oh no, you might be thinking, she’s going to tell me to start meditating. Yes, I am. But I’m also going to give you something that I had to figure out on my own, and it is worth so much. Start your meditation journey with my secret sauce and you’ll discover that it’s easy and fun to show up for this kind of self-care. 

Why meditate? 

If you identify as someone with anxiety or depression, it’s likely that you are living in a constant stress state. Meditation is kryptonite for stress because: 

  • You slow down your body’s stress response 
  • You become more self-aware, which leads to more resilience when you experience stressors
  • Self-criticism fades, self-love grows
  • Your body gets space for deep rest and healing, and
  • Sleep improves

Sounds pretty good, right? And let’s not forget, a meditation practice gives us mothers and parents something we’re truly craving – some alone time. As a mother and a business professional, sometimes the only time I get to myself in the day is my meditation space. But showing up for that practice as often as I can sets me up to better handle whatever comes up during the day. Anxiety is something I dial down by returning to meditation, and overwhelm is less common. 

Here’s the secret sauce

The thing is, starting a new habit – especially one that forces a busy person to slow down and do nothing – is easier said than done. For many years, reading inspiring books about meditating is as close as I got to the actual act. But I figured out the secret sauce to start your meditation journey, which I’m so happy to share. 

Bribe yourself. 

Sounds kinda fun, right? 

Before your first meditation session, sit down and write a list of all the gifts you’d like to give yourself for the next three months. For each week that you show up every single day to meditate, you get a gift. They don’t even need to be big gifts unless you want them to. Anything that affirms you are on the right track sends an amazing feel-good signal to your brain, and your brain then decides to keep moving forward so that it can get that feeling again. Essentially, you are overriding your brain’s hardwired preference to be lazy and revert to the anxiety-filled life it knows. Which is exactly what you are trying to train it away from. 

When I started my own meditation journey, I gifted myself presents weekly for the first two months – little things like new pants or a chick flick night or a trip to my favorite bakery. Then in the third month I spaced it out to a gift every two weeks. By that time, meditation had clearly started to transform my sense of well being. I was feeling calmer. That alone was enough to propel me onward when the gifts stopped showing up. The habit was set, and the physical, mental, and emotional benefits of meditating were reward enough. 

Looking ahead

There are other methods besides meditating that can calm your nervous system, which I will share at a later day. But meditating – that’s the big one. It is your fastest ticket to accessing your peace and joy. You deserve that, plus a whole lotta presents. 

To your joy,

Ashley

p.s. It can be hard for some people to give gifts to themselves. Help a sister out – what would you put on your gift list? Write it in the comments and then share this with a friend!